Recharged

I have just returned from a youth leader retreat in the foothills of California, and it was INCREDIBLE. God revealed himself to me in so many ways this weekend. It was a time I truly felt His presence among me and around me. I simply cannot express the overwhelming sense of the Lord I felt this weekend. So much that I can barely put it into words that can be comprehended. Writing this, I can barely form a sentence at all, much less one that makes sense. But I will do my best.

First of all, God reaffirmed my decision for school, providing me with a mentor to guide me through life before I head to San Francisco, a broken and dark city, to pursue acting, a broken and dark career. I feel as though God has been pulling me to the city and so many things line up with that. The friends I met last year who lived in the bay, dragging me down there to hang out with them all the time. The opportunity I got to get to know the public transportation system so I can get around by myself. The mission trip I recently got back from, opening me up to the city in ways I never would have been able to see. All of these things for the past year have been preparing me to live there, and I never would have suspected that.

Coming into the weekend, nervous about how to interact with the students I would be leading, how to connect with them, and how to keep up that relationship when I leave for school, God just gave me so much peace. During an imaginative prayer session, God told me exactly what I would need to do to lead these girls, and He did it by using my sister as the original subject. He works in so many mysterious ways and they are all so beautiful. He revealed to me what I would need if I were to be successful not only as a youth leader, but for going to school in San Francisco as well. No other way would have gotten to me had I not been convicted this weekend by the Holy Spirit to start working for Him, simply because I love Him.

One of the most amazing times I felt the presence of God was through a listening prayer seminar. Our leader put us through exercises meant to strengthen our ear for the voice of God. One of these exercises was to have God reveal to me the lies that the Devil has been telling me, the names that he has called me that replaces what I hear from God. Some of those names were Stupid One, Impure, and Leader Astray. God simply showed me that these names are not His names for me, and that His are so much better. Then God proceeded to tell me some of His names for me: Beautiful Light, and Hunter. I could not have made this up, it was one of the oddest names I could have ever come up with, and at first I didn't believe it. I was like wait...God, really? Hunter?? That makes no sense whatsoever. What does that mean?? But God continued to drill it into my mind, so much that I said "Alright God, I'll play along. What do you even mean by this?" And He replied with the most beautiful answer that I could have never come up with. As if I was hearing it as clearly as if He were sitting next to me, He told me to not feel condemned by the friend that I couldn't get to, the one that I didn't feel I was as good of a role model as I should have been. He said, "You are a hunter. You will seek out the ones that need me and you will guide them to me."

God's love was just so prevalent this weekend. It was beautiful seeing so many people all with the same goal, the same heart, working for the same Almighty God in one room. It was a weekend I can never forget.

Awestruck

This picture was taken on a recent road trip down Highway 101, which travels, in almost its entirety, along the California coast. I was amazed by the detail, the serenity, the beauty, even in this secluded place, in a place not many will stop to look at. 

Every day, God reveals to me His amazing creations, and the mighty power and beauty He is responsible for. I am constantly in awe of what our God has created with His hands and the things He has made for us to enjoy. What truly gets to me is that God made all of this, all of the beaches, cliffs, canyons, rivers, oceans, everything that we associate with beauty, for us. He created this FOR us to appreciate, to love, and be in awe of. All of this was made with each and every one of us in mind. 

And the amount of detail God put into each and every thing He created is astounding. Every flower is handcrafted, every leaf on every tree, every drop in every ocean was made by God. Just like God knows every single hair on our head, He knows exactly when and where each wave will crash, which grains of sand that wave will pull back with it into the ocean, and how many inches up on to the shore that it will reach.

No matter where I go, I am reminded of the beauty of God's creations. Whether it be in my own backyard, driving down Highway 101, or in a child's smile, God is real and tangible in every aspect of our lives. We just have to look for it.

Inked

Tattoos seem to be a controversial topic among Christians. One side holds the argument that our body is a temple and should not be defaced. Personally, I believe that a tattoo that proclaims your faith, is a testament to God in some way, or represents a positive message does not go against Christianity at all.

Everyone evangelizes and worships in different ways. As time evolved, tattoos and ink became a form of expression. Expression can be evangelism.

At any rate, a tattoo outwardly expresses to the world that you are a Christian, and to an extent, forces you to remember that and act accordingly.

A Word About Beauty

I've spent the greater half of my teenage life living with insecurities. Fears about not being good enough, pretty enough, muscular enough, funny enough, liked enough, yet I always denied that I was insecure. I acted with a confidence that didn't come from the Lord, but from some conjured, imaginary place in my mind.

Confidence never came until I experienced a new truth at Camp Barnabas. Camp Barnabas is a weeklong camp in Missouri for children and adults with disabilities. The theme for that week was Wanted. They taught that each person was DESIRED by the Creator of the Universe. That the same God that created the heavens, the mountains, the lakes, the beaches, everything we view as the most beautiful places in the world, created us as well. And He views us as even more beautiful than any of those places. The same God that looks down at the vast ocean and says "That is good," looks over at us, and says "That is even better."

The most beautiful picture I had that week was one of myself. But not in a vain, self-centered way. The most beautiful image, forever ingrained in my mind, is of me, looking out in awe at the beauty of God's creations, thinking that if I could, I would stare at this forever. And then of God, staring at me at the same time, thinking the exact same things.

God doesn't make mistakes. I am not a mistake. The skinny legs I believe are flaws are not mistakes. The hair I hate is not a mistake. The eyes I think could be prettier are not mistakes. The body I want to be better is not a mistake.

I was created in the image of God, with a vision and for a purpose. In the eyes of the Creator, I am perfectly formed. An angel in the eyes of the Lord. I now believe in the confidence that can only come from God, and that makes me more beautiful than any makeup, straightener, or clothing ever could.

Love: What Does it Really Mean?

'I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become.' - What Love Really Means/JJ Heller.

Love can be a complicated emotion. Or at least that is how it has come to be seen. I don't believe 'love' is the complicated thing. Rejection, pain, heartbreak, confusion, lust, uncertainty. Those are the complicated things. I truly believe love is relatively simple. God completely lays out to us what love is.

'Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

Anything that strays away from these key characteristics of love is no longer love, but jealousy, pride, anger, and everything in between. Love is specific and determined. It is not conditional. We love people for who they are, not for what they have done, or what they will do. Love is everlasting and eternal, and cannot be lost or destroyed. God calls us to love in this way, without condition and without ceasing.

The Vow

Most have seen it, and those who haven't, have heard of it. The Vow is about a man who works tirelessly to help the love of his life remember the love that they shared. It's a romantic movie overall (it actually made me want to get married), but I believe the truly romantic part comes out in the sharing of their vows.

I vow to help you love life.

I vow to live in the warmth of your heart and always call it home.

I vow to fiercely love you in all of your forms.

These are the same vows that our Creator makes to us. He promises us a life full of purpose and love, a life that we will love, no matter the challenges in our time on Earth. He vows to call our hearts His home forever and always. He can never be far from us, and will never stray. And He vows to love us FIERCELY in all of our forms. No matter our mistakes, our trespasses, our transgressions. No matter the size of our sin, nor the shade of our skin will make Him love us any less than He does right now. Not only does He promise to love us, He promises to love us FIERCELY. And that, I think, is what makes our God so beautiful.

Out of My Comfort Zone

Many times on mission trips, God reveals Himself to me in ways that I would expect. In the people that I would meet, through devotions made to draw us closer to Him, or in the sites that I would serve. But this week, God revealed Himself the most prominently through the people that I went on the trip with, not the people that I would be leaving but the people that I would be coming home with.

I came into the trip nervous, less for the ministry sites or for the people I would meet, and more for the group of wonderful people I was going with. Every trip I've gone on the last five years, I've been a leader in the group. People looked up to me and looked to me, sometimes only because I was older. But this time, I was one of the youngest.

I wasn't used to being (for lack of a better word) the underdog of a group. But through that, I learned more important lessons. Stepping back from your normal position, out of your comfort zone, gives you a greater opportunity to learn something different. Being in a different group dynamic gave me the chance to learn something outside of my normal 'don't-take-it-for-granted,' 'everyone-has-a-story' lesson I've come back with every year since 7th grade. I took on the role of 'learner' instead of 'teacher' and from that, recognized my own weaknesses, as well as my own strengths, and learned from people smarter than myself.

Overwhelmed

I'll be honest. I'm a sensitive person, in tune to my own emotions, and those of others (maybe a little too in tune sometimes). But rarely do I take a heightened sense of another's situation and place it upon myself, bearing (or at least attempting to understand) the burden that they carry. Several things this week took me to that point and overwhelmed me to the point of tears.

FIRST. It was a simple task. Take this money, and use it to meet someone's need. I never realized that it would result in what it did. The first man we met rejected our help, yelling that our only intention in our offer was amusement for ourselves. Drained from the conversation and numerous strikeouts, my group sat to rest at a fountain in the UN plaza. One man was sitting near us, so we decided to approach him and ask if he needed anything. We began to get closer, smiling and saying hello, introducing ourselves, and expecting a pleasant conversation. The man simply shook his head at the ground, and began to move away as we tried to get closer, never once saying a word. Not wanting to offend any further, we walked away. My heart broke as I realized how cruel society must be to these people for them to act out this way. How many times were they treated this way to come to expect it from everyone? To an extent, life has 'trained' them to be this way, to come to expect a condescending, mockingly cruel remark from everyone who approaches them. It's unfair.

NEXT. On a prayer tour throughout the city of Oakland, we visited a local high school that had been viciously shot at a few weeks earlier, without known cause or reason. The reality that these kids face is so much different than my own and I realized how much I take for granted, or rather it's something that I more 'expect' for myself. A safe school, neighborhood, and home, with a community of teachers and caretakers that support me and not only want, but expect, the best for me. These kids don't understand that whether or not earthly figures care about them, they have a God who does. A God that created them for a purpose, with intention, and is cheering them on. He never leaves, and He's never left. I broke down thinking about the choice that none of these kids feel they have. They don't realize that life could be better, that there's more than just this. Even the lucky few that have a different outcome, the ones that are able to graduate and leave their town, they never want to return to their home. The brokenness and despair becomes nothing but a memory, a memory they no longer want to relive. They don't believe that they can come back and make a difference in so many people's lives. The vicious cycle that seems like it will last forever breaks my heart.

FINALLY. A journey through the Haight district resulted in the most overwhelming emotion of sadness and hurt I've felt thus far in my short life. First, I heard a story from a man named Joshua, who's favorite food was McDonald's, and that whenever he had money, that was all he wanted. It killed me to hear that when he went in, expecting to be served as a paying customer like everyone else, they would treat him like dirt, giving him looks as he asked for ketchup and asking for his receipt if he came back ten minutes later for a refill, things meant to be complimentary. What was worse was comments we heard as we were sitting with him listening to his story. A woman looked at us and began whispering inaudibly to her husband. Another man pulled out an imaginary gun, shooting at our group, saying that that is how he would clean up **** on the street. This was only a few of the many hateful scenes I witnessed that day. At one point, I just broke down in tears, taking in too deeply the bitterness and hate that existed here. It overwhelmed me and my heart poured out in prayer for the hate in Haight.

In the midst of so much emotion, bitterness, hate, confusion, and darkness, the only thing I could do was pray. I could only put it in His hands and hope for the best. I was told that prayer is the greatest ministry we can offer, and sometimes prayer is the only thing we have.

So in Love

'A woman should be so in love with God that a man should have to go through Him to get to her.'

I've heard this so many times in my life, but I had never fully understood what it really meant. And to be honest, I still don't really understand it. I suppose I could begin with, as a hormonal young adult, I tend to see the opposite sex first as an attractive individual. First, their eyes draw you in. Then their arms, back, or chest. And finally, their smile.

But as a child of God, that is not how we are called to see them. We're called to see the opposite sex, first and foremost, as brothers and sisters in Christ, forming a brotherly love among one another, developing a friendship out of a mutual love and respect for a being much greater than ourselves.

As women of God, we are called to have a first love. Our true first love being for the God that knew us first, created us for Him, knit us together, and memorized every fiber of our being. He is our first love.

Love, as a Christian, was once described to me as a race. We're running, racing even, towards our truest love. As you look to your left and right, you find the people that are keeping up with you, maybe even those slightly ahead of you. Those are the ones you want to chase. The ones that you want to take on the journey of life, and will sharpen you, build you up, and challenge you.

Our time should be spent running towards our Creator, giving our all into our relationship with Him. As we find others as wrapped up in Him as we are, He will lead us to those relationships. And I guess, to an extent, that's what it means. A girl should be running towards God in such a way that only those running with her will make it into her heart.

A Light, a City on a Hill

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. - Matthew 5:14

Through darkness and despair, God is working. Working in us, and through us. We are His lights in the world. Just as a city on a hill cannot be hidden, neither can His light that shines through us. Our lives should be a testament to His word and convey His heart.

We are His lights in the world. We are a voice for the voiceless, a hope for the hopeless, and a breath for the breathless. He doesn't need us but He's chosen us to be His hands, His feet, His heart. We go into the world to spread His love and His word. We are called to be the lights in times of darkness, and the hope in times of despair. We are called to be the city on the hill that can't be hidden.

Hi there. Nice to meet you.

I've been inspired to blog on several occasions in my life, but probably none so much as the mission trip I just got back from. Spending a week working with the inner city of San Francisco and Oakland, getting to know people, stories, needs, and the Lord even better than before.

I've been on several of these trips, but this year God placed on my heart an urge, a desire, to remember, and to look forward. Our leader had said that our life should be like a rowboat, always moving forward, but looking backward. Looking back on the feelings we felt, the people we met, the God we encountered that is the same there as it is back at home, and to never forget.

This will be a blog not only of these memories, but of previous moments, and of future moments that will be forever ingrained in my mind, and I pray that this will be an inspiration for you on your own journey seeking God's own heart.