Overwhelmed

I'll be honest. I'm a sensitive person, in tune to my own emotions, and those of others (maybe a little too in tune sometimes). But rarely do I take a heightened sense of another's situation and place it upon myself, bearing (or at least attempting to understand) the burden that they carry. Several things this week took me to that point and overwhelmed me to the point of tears.

FIRST. It was a simple task. Take this money, and use it to meet someone's need. I never realized that it would result in what it did. The first man we met rejected our help, yelling that our only intention in our offer was amusement for ourselves. Drained from the conversation and numerous strikeouts, my group sat to rest at a fountain in the UN plaza. One man was sitting near us, so we decided to approach him and ask if he needed anything. We began to get closer, smiling and saying hello, introducing ourselves, and expecting a pleasant conversation. The man simply shook his head at the ground, and began to move away as we tried to get closer, never once saying a word. Not wanting to offend any further, we walked away. My heart broke as I realized how cruel society must be to these people for them to act out this way. How many times were they treated this way to come to expect it from everyone? To an extent, life has 'trained' them to be this way, to come to expect a condescending, mockingly cruel remark from everyone who approaches them. It's unfair.

NEXT. On a prayer tour throughout the city of Oakland, we visited a local high school that had been viciously shot at a few weeks earlier, without known cause or reason. The reality that these kids face is so much different than my own and I realized how much I take for granted, or rather it's something that I more 'expect' for myself. A safe school, neighborhood, and home, with a community of teachers and caretakers that support me and not only want, but expect, the best for me. These kids don't understand that whether or not earthly figures care about them, they have a God who does. A God that created them for a purpose, with intention, and is cheering them on. He never leaves, and He's never left. I broke down thinking about the choice that none of these kids feel they have. They don't realize that life could be better, that there's more than just this. Even the lucky few that have a different outcome, the ones that are able to graduate and leave their town, they never want to return to their home. The brokenness and despair becomes nothing but a memory, a memory they no longer want to relive. They don't believe that they can come back and make a difference in so many people's lives. The vicious cycle that seems like it will last forever breaks my heart.

FINALLY. A journey through the Haight district resulted in the most overwhelming emotion of sadness and hurt I've felt thus far in my short life. First, I heard a story from a man named Joshua, who's favorite food was McDonald's, and that whenever he had money, that was all he wanted. It killed me to hear that when he went in, expecting to be served as a paying customer like everyone else, they would treat him like dirt, giving him looks as he asked for ketchup and asking for his receipt if he came back ten minutes later for a refill, things meant to be complimentary. What was worse was comments we heard as we were sitting with him listening to his story. A woman looked at us and began whispering inaudibly to her husband. Another man pulled out an imaginary gun, shooting at our group, saying that that is how he would clean up **** on the street. This was only a few of the many hateful scenes I witnessed that day. At one point, I just broke down in tears, taking in too deeply the bitterness and hate that existed here. It overwhelmed me and my heart poured out in prayer for the hate in Haight.

In the midst of so much emotion, bitterness, hate, confusion, and darkness, the only thing I could do was pray. I could only put it in His hands and hope for the best. I was told that prayer is the greatest ministry we can offer, and sometimes prayer is the only thing we have.